Good Advocate for Others, Terrible Advocate for Yourself

Are you one of those people who is a ferocious advocate for others? You have no problem speaking up for your children, your friends or your co-workers? When it comes to you, do you find a million and one reasons why you don’t need to say or do anything, you excuse or work-around other people’s bad behavior towards you?

Have you ever asked yourself why? Don’t you deserve the good and fair treatment you are demanding for others?

Here is a small test you can take for yourself to determine whether or not you should consider truly acting on something:
– pretend the situation or behavior is happening to someone else (your child if that is the person you are the most protective of)
– forget about how you are personally connected to the person behaving badly (it is tough, you know you will immediately start rationalizing even while I am
asking you not to do that)
– what advice would you give your friend, child, co-worker?
– are there new avenues you haven’t explored before? are you already saying you don’t really want to stir the pot?

Remember, there are always choices to be made. It doesn’t mean that they are good, happy choices, but choices just the same. So, for example, if you are in a hostile work environment, and you feel it would only make it worse to confront or hold the offender accountable (your boss? co-worker?)…what are your other choices? It could be anything. Ask to be re-assigned if that is an option. Quietly start hunting for a new job. Find a person in leadership who could run interference… I am sure there are many more options. Sometimes it is quitting without another job (but most do not have the luxury of not having that weekly paycheck to make ends meet).

Be your own advocate. You deserve to be treated well and fairly. Don’t settle for anything less!

I don’t have the answers, but I always have thoughts. Won’t you share yours?

7 Steps to Happiness

This weekend I was at a women’s retreat pulled together by The Joy Source (see my favorite Blogrolls on this page).

I would like to share a simple card that was placed in our folders and now sits on my desk.

7 Steps to Happiness
Think Less, Feel More
Frown Less, Smile More
Talk Less, Listen More
Judge Less, Accept More
Watch Less, Do More
Complain Less, Appreciate More
Fear Less, Love More

from happinessinyourlife.com

Need I say more?
I don’t have the answers, but I always have thoughts. Won’t you share yours?

The price of GOSSIP

Who doesn’t gossip? Sure some of us are more selective about who we share our gossip with, limiting it to our close friends and family. That said, the world of social media has changed the way we share our…shall we call it information? With TV ads “that was so 27 seconds ago…” as our reminder, news travels fast. We also know that for some reason, gossip travels faster. You never want to be the one that people are gossiping about.

We all want to be in the know, and we want people to share with us. We want information first and fast. It is only natural that we give back, right?

GOSSIP is harmful when we are sharing information about others even if it is true and we have the information first-hand. Food for thought…what do you suppose the person who is listening to you is thinking about your sharing someone’s secret, even if it’s juicy? Are they grateful? Are they feeling part of your inner circle? Or are they wondering how much of what they shared with you gets shared with other people in your “inner circle”? The cycle of trust starts and ends with you. You are responsible for your behavior and only you. You can’t control how people perceive you, but you can control your actions. Why risk losing someone’s trust?

Once you have shared someone else’s secret with them, will they hesitate to trust you? Gossip always has a price. Be thoughtful about your behavior and know that it increases the chances that others will return the favor.

I don’t have the answers, but I always have thoughts. Won’t you share yours?

10,000 and counting!

Tomorrow I celebrate my 40th birthday! I approach this milestone with relief AND trepidation. Relief that I will be crossing a threshold to something wonderful (so I am told) – you start being more comfortable with who you are; you care less about other people’s opinions and more about your own; you begin to focus on things that matter most to you.

I am someone who focuses on my wins each day and the compliments I receive, not because of an over-sized ego, but because it reinforces the good and it inspires me that people take the time to share positive feedback. It’s nice to know that people care enough to share. One alternative is to focus on the negatives. Even if you do that to figure out how you can improve, it’s not as much fun! So I welcome a time in my life where I can more deeply appreciate who I am. I challenge you to do the same no matter how old you are.

So today, I am celebrating a win with you. Sometime this week, the “Just Do You” blog surpassed 10,000 hits! Thank you for reading and for giving feedback. I hope you keep coming back and you continue to email with topic suggestions. I have not been as active on the blog while I have been in school (almost done!), but you keep me on task.

More to come soon. I don’t have the answers, but I always have thoughts! Won’t you share yours?

My 2012 Wish for You

On this day last year, you had no idea that so much would happen in 2011. You didn’t know who you would have to say good-bye to and who you would welcome into your life. You did not know so many changes would come to pass, and yet they did.

My wish for you is that you go boldly and confidently into this new year, know that changes WILL happen and that you WILL have the strength and courage to make it through the year. May you find joy and happiness amid the changes. May you lean on your faith more than you have in the past and pray more this year.

I do not know what 2012 will bring, but I am ready and I am not alone…

I don’t have the answers, but I always have thoughts. Won’t you share your wishes for 2012?

You Can Only Do It All In Your Head

…it’s not realistic in real life to do it all.

Are you a “yes” person? I am not referring to the type of “yes” person who is unable to say “no”. I am talking about the “yes” person who says yes because s/he thinks s/he can actually do all the things they say yes to…

There is a difference between being super-busy and superhuman. If you are a planner, organized and have a good sense of time-management, then you have nothing to worry about. If you are like the rest of us, you are good at some of these things some of the time and not at others…which leads to being overwhelmed and stressed. During holiday seasons in particular is when most people show it even if they always feel it. It is important to take time to reflect on your superhuman abilities and do some reality testing.

* Start keeping a list of the commitments you make (visual aides are super helpful);
* write down your timeline for getting it done (when you realistically think it will be done by);
* write down what you need to get it done (make sure you have access to this stuff within the timeline);
* If you can put in on a calendar that has a month at a time view…it will help you see how many competing priorities you have;
* don’t leave off the regular commitments like: eating; picking up kids; medical/dental appointments; carpools, grocery shopping; working out, etc.

Remember that there are only 24 hours in a day and you must sleep at some point!!!
It is good to be confident in your ability to get things done, it is better to be confident that you will have the time to do it right!

I don’t have the answers, but I always have thoughts. Won’t you share yours?

Why Burning A Bridge Is Not A Good Idea

It would seem obvious that burning a bridge is not a good idea. Most people know that the world is small and even if you may never need a favor from the person you are burning a bridge with, you don’t know who they might know. Why write about this? I see over and over how careless people around me are about their relationships, both personal and professional. And they are not shy about airing their dirty laundry. You can hear it in the hallways, read about it on facebook or hear it from a 3rd party.

I would caution anyone making a choice to be vocal about your anger, discontent or however you go about burning your bridge, about the potential consequences, that it CAN cost you. You won’t always know when it is costing you. I have seen people seeking jobs get turned down and not know why and then find out that the employer talked to someone they had burned a bridge with in the past.

Again, it can cost you.

My recommendation? Find a healthy outlet for your frustrations. Get a therapist, a job coach, a friend who will take your venting to the grave. I am not suggesting you hold it in. I am suggesting you are thoughtful about the implications to your future (if not the harm you might be causing the other person).

I don’t have the answers, but I always have thoughts. Won’t you share yours?

Is Our Personal Bar Too Low?

I recently read an article in the Boston Business Journal about the presence of women on boards. The results bothered me on many levels. Here is a short excerpt:

“An annual report on the status of women as corporate directors and executives shows little change since last year in the composition of leadership in Massachusetts’ 100 largest public companies.
Of the 836 seats in the boardrooms of these companies, women fill 93 of them — a number that hardly has changed over the past half-dozen years, according to the report.
Forty-one companies have no women directors at all.”

full article: http://www.linkedin.com/share?viewLink=&sid=s713711787&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Ebizjournals%2Ecom%2Fboston%2Fprint-edition%2F2011%2F11%2F18%2Fnumber-of-women-on-boards-remains%2Ehtml&urlhash=3EK9&pk=nprofile-view-success&pp=1&poster=18003171&uid=5544465135852072960&trk=NUS_UNIU_SHARE-title

It seems to me that if there are more women than men in the workforce, this number is way off balance.

Who is to blame? The blame game is an easy one to play. This article talked about women, but the number for minorities is worse.

What do we do about it? I don’t care who you are, what gender you are, what race you are, what abilities you have or do not have. If you have a skill set, experience and have worked hard, ADVOCATE for yourself. Push others. Don’t accept the status quo. Nothing ever changes if people making bad decisions are never made to feel uncomfortable about it. You know who does a good job at this? Apparently, white men. This is not a knock on white men. The point is that someone is succeeding. Everyone should have a fair shot at succeeding. So why not YOU?

Find someone who has been successful at getting where you want to go and learn from them. Observe, take notes, ask for advice. Changes are happening, but we can’t depend on them to happen organically. The BBJ article made that clear in the numbers. It makes a difference in our ability to take care of our families, contribute to our communities and have public policy that reflects our needs.

Get motivated!!! Set your bar higher! Expect and demand more!

I don’t have the answers, but I always have thoughts. Won’t you share yours?

It could be worse…you could be one of them

That is a line from a facebook post I read today. I am including it here:

I loved this because I often find myself trying to prove something to other people out of my own insecurity that they might be judging me in a way I do not want to be judged. It’s silly and yet real. Have you ever been in a situation where someone treats you in an offensive way intentionally or says something that is designed to hurt you?

In the moment it is hard to stop and remind yourself that it is not a fault of yours, but a fault of theirs. It doesn’t come natural to shrug your shoulders and internally acknowledge their ignorance, especially when it is targeting you or someone you care about. I have hot buttons when people say offensive things around gender, race, poverty, age, weight, and the list goes on and on… So being treated in a way that is unjust…well, you can imagine.

I do my best to model the behavior that I would like to see in others (though admittedly I am not always successful). Sometimes, I try to call the offender on their behavior, and if it’s relevant, I make a point to do so. Sometimes, it is not worth it and I say a silent prayer for the wisdom that makes me not “one of them.” Much of the bad behavior in this world is based on fear. Once I identify a fear, I work hard to recognize the ways in which it can be destructive, like giving myself permission to say something nasty to someone. In the end it never makes me feel better and it does nothing to educate them or change their behavior.

Instead, use your energy to give out positive, uplifting vibes. Doing that can still make others feel threatened, but again, focus on your happiness and what will perpetuate that.

I know I am not the only one who feels challenged by this. Any thoughts, stories or recommendations?

I don’t have the answers, but I always have thoughts. Won’t you share yours?

Support for Occupy Boston…Occupy Wall Street…etc…

If you haven’t turned the news on in the past two weeks, you may not have heard that there is a movement to change the status quo…that is, the rich getting richer and the poor getting poorer. In honor of this intentional advocacy for change, I am re-posting an earlier blog about the importance of your (YES I MEAN YOU) political participation. I am not advocating for how you should vote, but I am advocating that if you don’t, someone else is doing it for you.

Read on…and be active! For more information on Occupy Boston: www.occupyboston.com

I recognize that there is not enough time in the day to do even the things we feel we NEED to do.  That said, I am going to challenge you to include one more thing.

I have often stated that we need to be active participants in our own lives.  We should CHOOSE our direction and not let life drag us through it.  If we only focus on ourselves, that is not good.  It is healthy to care of yourself, but not to the exclusion of other responsibilities, like family and work.

I am throwing in one element of self-care that would not normally make it to the list.  Be active in your community.  If you don’t have time to volunteer somewhere and don’t have money to give, there are plenty of things you can do from your own home and on your own time.

Be politically active. The consequence of not being politically active is accepting the default choice.  A couple of things anyone can do:

1)  Know what election is coming up:  Municipal, State, Federal;

2)  Know who the candidates are (you don’t have to be an expert, but keep your eyes and ears open…have conversations);

3)  Know what you think about the issues (like health care, education, taxes , etc.);

4)  Vote and if you can, encourage others to vote.

Whether or not you think about it much, elections happen and people take office.  They work, supposedly on your behalf.  They cannot do so effectively if they do not know what you want.  You tell them by voting, by calling and by writing letters.

Be politically active.  If not, you accept the default choice of others.  Their choices directly affect your family and your community whether you want it to or not.  Take care of yourself.

I don’t have the answers, but I always have thoughts.  Won’t you share yours?